The Voice of Chaos

I am frozen in space and time. I know my obligations I know what needs to be done yet I am frozen unable to move. I hate days like this. I waste so much time when I have so little. So much time spent in inaction. People are relying on me I need to pull it together but instead I lay in fear. What am I afraid of? Why am I stalling?

Rushing memories of my first marriage and its demise are haunting me right now. They will always haunt me. There can be no closer when one person refuses to give it to another.

How can I move forward when I still have not let go? What is it that I am holding onto?
It is not the marriage or the dream or the life. That had all fallen apart before. Is it a fear of being lost? Is it a fear of making the same mistake twice.

I must remember to look at what is different. Why do I believe this time it will work?

I do not want to ever let go of B. I think that matters. NO matter what happens I want him in my life. No matter how much we struggle it is always in the end worth it. What ever we go through in the end proves to be worth the struggle.

______________________

It is that I know it is time to make a step forward into a different way of thinking and a different way of being. Priorities need to change.

Do you approve of me? I can not help but wonder. Is it approval from myself I am looking for or another?

Today I want to hide – under the covers from life and from the celebrations I must attend. Today I want to proccess all that I am and all that I can be.

Frozen

I wonder if it is possible to find a group that is non dominational or more importantly will not tell me to let go and give my problems to god….

I have been feeling sniffly as of late and tad overwelmed. So I made chicken soup. Now I am tired and full and still overwelmed. I guess that was not really the solution. The soup was good though

Over welmed is something I feel often. Is it because I take on to much? Or because I can only handle so little. I feel like sometimes I am a sponge to negative emotions. I take on others negative emotions and feel them. Despite trying to move forward I am always looking back. I can never just be happy in the moment. I feel frozen in fear, confused and scared. I miss IM, being on it helped me feel connected to my friends but it also stopped me from learning how to cope with things.

I fucking hate depression – I can only hope the prozac takes it away. Some how I think it won’t I think half the magic was the hope prozac gave me.

sigh

I some how think it is not a right it is something you work for. Some how I will work hard enough and fully achieve it. for now I am going to remember to train my brain to think happy thoughts

The anxiety is still high I am having nightmares every night now. Weird ones and not so weird ones. I ran out on my preschool because I could not get the children to follow directions. I came across my climbing friends trying to fix a fence. They were doing it all wrong. I tried to help them- and then the rain came down. For some reason my friend S  had hypothermia, I tried to help him but at first he fought me then I was able to help him.  The mud was every where and the rain was cold. What was the tattered fence trying to hold in? or out?

I know this seems like a dream, but it was a nightmare – that fence HAD to work. We lacked the tools and the equipment to make it work. Every one who worked on it got really sick accept me.

I wish I had not gotten off prozac, I am scared it will not work the way it used to and that I will not know if it is or is not. I am scared I will never stop feeling this way. I remember when this is how I felt all the time. I remember trying to find ways to make this feeling go away or to make things better – or to just get relief even for an hour or a day.  I can not go back to being that person. The pain and the gloom and the mistrust and the anger are all wrong.  I feel them on prozac just at the right times.

I am strong some where in side of me – I can be ok with this.

sigh

I know it has a lot to do with the fact that I have been off prozac for almost a month. The feeling of complete doom has returned. I try and focus on planning and all I can think about is ” what if this is as big of a mistake as the last time”

I try hard not to talk about or compare the differences between my wedding now and my wedding then.

I think I need to. Maybe I need to in order to grow or maybe it is the lack of seritonenen creating a depression that feels so dark when things should be happy.

Planning my first wedding felt like a game. There was hope of some big change to pull us out of the place we both were in. We did not care who was there or what people wanted or needed.  We came up with the idea and we jumped in head first. Both of us were desperate. He was a desperate boy trying to escape his home town and his fathers basement, all his failures to live up to his potential and expectations. I was a desperate girl, escaping my failure to even care for myself. I was starving, scared and in need of being rescued. Getting married was going to solve all my problems.

Planning my second wedding feels like being an ambassador. Trying to bring people together to celebrate two individuals separate and joint achievements. To honor where we have come from and where we hope to go.  A way to celebrate not a beginning but a transition.

I thought my first marriage would be easy, how could it not be. J was an accessory boy. He did what ever I wanted and picked up after me. He was so in love with me I could do no wrong.  I said jump and he said how high. He told me every day he was shocked I wanted to be with him. Everything was a game and an adventure to him… until we got married. When it got hard I was unprepared, unequipped and to afraid of being wrong to really do anything about it.

I have no delusions about what my marriage to B will be like. It will be hard. We both bring so much baggage to the table it will take a life time to sort it out. I have to sort it out though – with or with out him. He is going to have to sort out his with or with out me. It is easier with him though, not because he does not think it is there but because some part of me feels motivated by him.  It is a lot easier to sit around and do nothing then it is to ride a bike, climb a mountain, get a degree etc. ALL of those things are hard work, all of them come with greater rewards then sitting around watching tv. I hope the same goes for marriage. Hard work with great rewards.

I know B will work as hard as I do. I hope that is enough. I hope that in the end I do not chastise myself for not holding out for perfection. Perfection is not out there. All there is is a world full of damaged people. Some with wounds we can not see and some with wounds we can.

This is not how one should be thinking about their marriage I know – depression is a bitch. It robs me of all happiness even in the most joyful  moments. I used to think it was a sign my situation was fucked up and needed to change. Now I know – I am just a person who really gets very very depressed.

Those who will hold me when I am this depressed will only do so for a moment. I must reward them in some way or they will go away.

Tonight the despair of my depression is swallowing me. I want to cry I want to scream. I can only be thankful that I have resumed taking my medication. Experiment failed. I need this stuff – no amount of coping and cognitive therapy can take away this awe full feeling of unworthiness, self loathing and loneliness.

So I made biscuits and macaroons – some how cooking is just awesome.

• 2 cup unsweetened dried shredded coconut
• 2 egg white
• 4 tablespoons maple syrup
• 1 tablespoon coco

I dislike that my school work is stalled. Wedding plans took over but invitations are out, venue is booked and most things are taken care of. Now to get back to focusing. I feel like some things in my house are missing. I went to find my insurance binder and I can not. My desk area is a bit messy and out of control and the printer is downstairs. All of this stuff is overwhelming me.  With in me I need to find the strength to restore order to my house.

So this weekend was very interesting. Saturday night I had planned left overs for dinner. The leek soup and banick I made needed to be eaten etc. Any way B become insistent we go out for dinner.  He had been working on his electronics board and I had been working on my school work. Well I assumed that meant he was feeling social and wanted to chat. Well things were ok on the way to dinner – but he was awkward and I was unsure if he was ok. I started to worry he was upset and remembered the very funny – his diary her dairy meme he showed me the other day. I started going through my mind – Is his motorcycle running? What about his circuit he was working on? What about work? I put it out of my mind as we sat down to dinner at my favorite steak house. The Vans overlooking Belmont. I love it because it is a classy steak house that has stood the test of time. The food is amazing and the clientèle is interesting to watch. It is the staff though and the stories they must have that intrigue me. I like that you can see a Lotus and a Prius in the parking lot.  I love the view. Oracle may be evil by some standards but they have a pretty campus! We were seated in a very secluded part of the restaurant.

We sat down to dinner and B took a really long time ordering he kept staring at his menu like a shield between him and I. I started feeling annoyed. Why did he invite me out to dinner if he did not want to talk to me.  Things have been going so well. The house is still clean we are talking more and respecting each others needs more.  We ordered and eventually his awkward one word answers got to me. I stopped trying to talk to him. I started thinking that something very serious was going on. Was he taking me to my favorite steak house to tell me things were over. Has this peace really been the calm before the storm. In hindsight I should have asked him about his circuit board or work or something but I was feeling worried. Then he said ” I am sorry I am just nervous” By this time our appetizer had arrived and been eaten.  I pretending to be engrossed in the view and the many birthdays happening around me.  When he said he was nervous, I thought ah an opening maybe something is bugging him and he wants to share. I asked ” why are you nervous”  He did not respond. My over reactive mind sighed, I waited.

And then he came to life! As if suddenly he was a man determined to say what he had to say I listened as his poetic nature came out and I was in complete shock when he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him!

I had never believed that I would want to be married again, I had always believed through everything that B could be the man I knew him to be. I lost a bit of faith here and there but my loss of faith was frustration in seeing what I knew deep down to be something that should work – falling apart.  My friend L (v.2) points out that the amazing thing about us is that even when things were falling apart – even when we were at each others throat wounding each other deeply, we both kept trying to find a way to make it stop. We both kept trying to grow and learn.  Neither of us could give up.

The truth is we have been married since I moved here – leaving has never been really easy. Our lives have been intertwined and we have worked to grow. Growth is painful and hurts at times but every day since the great understanding has gotten better. Things started to fall apart and we rescued it. Together we did not let it happen!