The Voice of Chaos

I am feeling pretty angry right now. Not the intense lash out kind of angry but the cool kind. The similarities and the differences around me are a lot to take in. I think I have pin pointed something.

When I listened to everything J needed to stop being depressed and loose weight and jumped forward whole hearted with him. Each time watching as he quit or really just payed lip service to it. I lost respect for him.” I don’t know why I keep gaining weight ” he would say as he ate a second plate of fries.

I respect determination and drive.

As I watch another man paying lip service to another habit another vice, while I sit back and watch in disgust.  i want to quit says the smoker as he walks out the door for another cigarette. Each time I lose respect.

Why am I so angry – well because MY OWN vices are considered detrimental to any relationship. My own vice is so socially unacceptable that if I EVEN think about falling off the wagon I am filled with immense guilt and concern for the well being of another person.My own vice is a relationship killer. My desire to pretend to escape in words is too much to bare.

Why must I never have my vice and those around me always have theirs. Why is there so little tolerance and so much more emphasis put on the pain of another but none on mine?

Well the truth is because I am the one who chooses to stay. I am the one who chooses to love and chooses to watch this.  I keep hoping each time I will be wrong. it will stop, this time he means it.

Ah the roller coaster of my childhood repeated with the man I choose to love.

If I dare step out of this relationship, If I dare spend some time developing to much of a life outside of it, I fear I will not want to spend any time in it. I fear I will leave another man broken and depressed.

In the words of pink ” I am my own worst enemy”

on the upside – I just spell checked this post … no misspelled words… at least I am not triggered

I say this often, believe in yourself and invest in yourself.  I feel like I need to look in the mirror and say this to myself. I think that losing everything to divorce and fire really brought that lesson home. I lost the home I had built and the things I had accumulated. I had stopped investing in myself and instead invested in others.

I look at who I am now. Not perfect but alive and investing in myself every day. I invest in my body every time I drag myself to the gym and every time I get on my bike. I invest in my mind every time I work more towards my degree. Some where along the line I am sure I will redevelop a belief in investing spiratually but for now I will stick with investing in making the world more awesome by simply being awesome!

ok time to finish my paper sooooooo close!

Many months ago I was overwhelmed with papers to write and a house to clean. Wow how I wish those were my only challenges now. A friend said ” Make a list and focus on one thing” I have used this technique for the last 2 years successfully. Here I sit with a clear view of what I need to achieve me dreams and the only person who can possible sabotage it is me. The list is made and the task is chosen but my fingers will not type. The subject – teaching spelling. Yes that is right I need to write 6 pages explaining how to teach some one to spell. More specifically how to re-mediate spelling deficiencies and why they exists.  The task itself is a bit ironic, how can I possibly write about helping individuals learn to spell when I clearly struggle everyday with this challenge.

I feel like I have in front of me the secret to success, I just need to read it and understand it. I almost have a mission to ensure that no child I ever interact with leaves class with me feeling like “can’t spell” is an option and a fact of life. It is not. I was told it was and I believed it and I gave up. For the past decade friends have pushed me and demanded more of me when it comes to my spelling and expression and I have improved.

I have read the same chapter in this textbook 4 times. Each time I feel as though I become emotional heightened and am unable to focus. My heart breaks for the people in this world who are not as lucky as I am. The people who did not have the friends I have to push them into seeing that expression and spelling matter.

For those of you who endured my “kristish language” for years and who still endure it to this day I thank you!

Time to go back to staring at my blinking cursor  and hoping I become inspired to type the words I need to in order to submit 6 pages of understanding and reflection.

I just started filling out my application to graduate. I got tears in my eyes. June 7 wow so close!

The dream to climb, to live and to love. The reality of it all and the heart break it can bring. BLAH

I suck at saving money. Mostly because I have never really had much of a disposable income and when I did I was using it to pay off debts and then well there was the whole being married thing. I have devised a new plan. It is called the Tahoe Jar. It is actually a nice bottle of scotch … empty.  Every time I want to spend money on something I think ” this could go to Tahoe” and then I put it in the jar with a note as to what I gave up for tahoe.  A small reminder that everything we want in life takes work and sacrifice. Let us see if it works

As of Today I am putting $500 in the Tahoe jar. My friends will have to keep sleeping on an air mattress when they visit, my bed will stay on the floor and I will use my old desk. All so that I can have a cabin in Tahoe some day.

At some point I gave up the dream of living in a village of people. I create them and then I leave them. Here I sit among a village of people, this is not my village but a village built up over time and consistency in Vancouver. it is some one else’s village and I am a guest. I married into a village and that did not work. Is emersing myself in US culture hindering my ability to belong to a village? I no longer fully understand the culture I was born into ( If I ever really did ) and I do not understand the culture I live in now. I choose to be an immigrant in another country, I choose a harder path… but why? For love? for myself? for security? I do not know but I do know as time goes on it is becoming increasingly obvious to me that I am choosing to make my life difficult. I do so for love and adventure. The adventure will run out and the love will grow I hope.

I am young, smart and beautiful, I will one day be old and ugly, and will loose my mind …. what will I have then but the village I can build and sustain around me ….

Today I picked up a new passport. Finally the last piece of Identification in my maiden name. You would think of course now I would feel closer but I do not. I have constructed a story of the events that led to my divorce. I have constructed a belief of why things went so badly. The truth is I just do not know.

Was it that I was crazy? It has become clear to me over the years that there is something wrong with me. I discuss it in great lengths I mull it over and I keep trying to build a stronger better me. My perceptions change, my behaviors change and my ideas change. I can not change my past though.

I sit forever on the cusp of being great but never actually achieving greatness. I push to undo the damage I have done, I push to create a better world. Still I ask myself why? Why did things end so badly? Why every-time I return to Canada do I want to contact this person and sit down and say  “lets talk”

I feel like the two of us could learn a great deal from each other and a conversation.

I suspect it ended because we were not right for each other. I suspect it ended badly because we made a lot of mistakes and we got ourselves caught up in our mutual craziness.

I watch as my friend A reaches the age I was when I got married. I see her building a domestic life with a man who is similar to her and the same age. I want to scream in fear for her. I know that my feelings are just piled up inside and a need to protect her from my mistakes. She is smarter than me, she will not make my mistakes.

Was it a mistake though? Was my ex-husband truly my noble friend. Not in the sense of enlightened teacher , but in the sense of  truly exposing to me parts of my own nature I did not know existed and giving to me the gift of sight into who I did not wish to be.

The more I think about the past the more I think strength comes from knowing and believing truly who we do not wish to be just as much as knowing and believing who we want to be.

I can be sure I never want to be the women I was when I married him, the women I was as his wife, or the women I was was while divorcing him. I know I want to be something more, stronger, better, smarter, trustworthy and loving.

Some day I will answer a question for myself, one that begins to weigh on my mind more and more each day.

Am I truly capable of loving some one or have I simply mistaken the need to please for love.

SoI have been doing pretty ok with my eating disorder issues. I have had some need for food control but nothing to terrible kept in check by what I could convince others to do with me.

What has happened though over the last 3 weeks as my stress has increased I have returned to full eating disorder mode. Understand my eating disorder does not come from weight issues. I have other issues with my weight. It is a control issue. It is the one thing I feel I can control. The weird thing is my mind is doing weird stuff to my body. I feel hungry yet some how I can not conince my self to eat. Apples seem to be ok but anything else is out. I tried making my favorite soup, my ultimate comfort food, cream of mushroom soup and the thought of putting it in my mouth made me gag.

I made 2 entire turkeys the other day. That was so tasty. Moments after I ate it though my body was convinced I would die if it stayed in my stomache. I do not feel ill. I just psycologicly do not want food. It is like some part of my mind has gone on a hunger strike.

I know I am currently asking a lot of myself. I am asking myself to move, I am asking myself to accept a flaw in my partner I find dificult and painful. I am asking myself to keep moving forward and finish school. I am asking myself to go into work every day feeling cheery and happy. I am asking myself to be a good friend to those around me in their time of need. This is all normal stuff. I can not blame one thing but I can say that I really wish the part of my brain that is throwing a tempertantrum would stop so I could eat something other than apples and junk food.

I am getting close to ordering a pizza – I bet I will eat that.

I think I am always posting about looking for focus. I was rear ended and this has awarded me time off work … after I just recieved my work visa! Any way bad luck I guess. But this means more time for school.

My progress at this point is

EDPY 479 COMPLETE ( contract ends  November 30)

EDPY 400 One assignment  done 8 to go . (contract ends March 30, 2011)

The assigment is not hard – it involves reading 2 chapters picking out 3 points summerizing and discussing them. Actually very straight foward… Here is the problem. I am questioning my textbook. Not just a little bit A LOT. I read it and I am not clear as to why I should believe the statements laid out in it.  It could just be that I am in pain and tired and hungry. GRRRRR I just want to be done and be SMRT!