I am really doubting myself a lot lately. I feel like I need some encouragement a laugh … a friend.
Some one to just cheer me up. Be goofy. Make me watch a stupid TV show or be light hearted so I will be – run on the beach and roll in the sand. Build a sand castle with me. Make a desert with me or for me. have a wipping cream fight 
The world around me is getting to serious and I can not seem to lighten it up.
Just because some one is misbehaving does not mean it is OK to hurt them or break a promise. It is funny how a part of me believes it is ok to break a promise to some one who is hurting you. I guess if the promise helps you more then superficually ok. But if it is an arbitrary way to hurt them I have to remember that it is NOT OK. BAD BAD BAD — this is how you get in trouble. Writing this is preventing me from breaking a promise. Maybe if I keep writing my senses will come back and I will remember that it is ok to feel hurt and angry and NOT lash out and hurt the person ….
I know this is coming from me!
Here is what I think I have learned. People with low drama in their life DO NOT allow others in their life that push them to far out of their comfort zone.
I need to take a lesson from them.
I am about to go to a pool party to meet the parents of the children I will be teaching in September. I am nervous and had I been on my game last night instead of dealing with mental bullshit drama I believe caused by my inability to deal with the choices of another … I would have clued in that ” regular time” Meant 9 am not 12. So now I am showing up right when the BBQ starts instead of at 9 am to help my fellow teachers set up.
In fairness the email stating “regular time should be fine” arrived in my inbox at 10:30 pm! All other email prior had indicated BBQ was between 12-2. STILL I know for a fact if I had not been distracted I would have picked up on this and NOW I am even more nervous and frusterated.
Yes that is right I am blaming some one else for my stress. What I am really doing is recognizing that the actions of one person which may be OK and acceptable for them create a serious problem for me. I should note this and remember it and maybe realize that part of my promise to look after myself and respect myself means not placing myself in these kinds of positions…..
alright now to not be later…..
Some one posted this on their status in facebook and I wondered ….
♥Ok it is time to complete you. One final assisgnment. I have avioded it I have held it off and put it aside. I have learned that I dislike accounting A LOT.
So here it is final assignment of Accounting 250. I will complete you today!
I have 2 case studies to do. I have NO IDEA what I am doing. This is how I have felt through out the entire course. It has gone on to long for me to actually learn anything. SO I am going to do my best and act like I am getting paid to do this. I tend to switch into a very different mode of competency when a job or money is on the line.
I am not sure how or why it happens BUT I am going to write these case studies as if I were to present them to a client. I have done MANY MANY reports that honestly I was flying by the seat of my pants. Granted I had an example of what one should look like to sort of go off of and an accountant to ask about the numbers. BUT I just have to think about what hypothetical client really cares about and make sure that I place that hypothetical information in.
I KNOW that when making a recommendation to a client they want the bottom line. How much will this cost them (both time and money), what are the proven benefits. this should be on the first page. The analysis of the current system and the full reasoning for the recomendations should be dealt with later in the report. Implementation procedures are dealt with only on a time and money scale at the begining and documented in full later in the report.
There should be a table of contents so the client can pass the different sections onto the individuals in their organization that have the direct knowledge and skill to review specifics of the report and recommendation.
I know this structure well. Now I just need to use it to complete my assignment. It will be my template and I will worry about the fact that I have no idea how to analyze the systems or make a recommendation after I have built the template.
I have this weird confidence that once I get through the block of actually creating the report the information will flow from my brain to my fingertips nicely and I will some how complete a report and hand it in. I will get it back and wonder how I managed to get the mark I did while still completely unsure of the topic I was dealing with, all the while still unsure of the magic that happens in my mind when it comes to my personal auto pilot.
It is hard some days to feel proud of work I can not remember completing but knowing it is me who has done it.
Alright now I clearly have a plan to get this moving along a little bit better. The funny thing is before typing this I would have told you ” I have no idea how to build an analysis and recommendation report” some how the very act of blogging about it has brought the knowledge forward from where ever it sits in my brain and reminded me that yes I have done this before and I do know what I am doing.
I wonder if other peoples brains work like this or if mine is just quirky.
Today I got a glimpse into what my life could have been like. I am happy and greatful for all the people who have helped me be who I am.
I see how there are parts of my personality that have helped me stay one step ahead of CPTSD. I see how with out those parts my life would be very very different.
Some people say labling something is bad – it forces a person to maybe act with in their lable. The greatest thing I think that ever happened to me was learning about CPTSD. For me when things get out of hand in my mind – it is calming to know it is the CPTSD coming up and I can use or find tools to fight it. It is calming to remember that “this to shall pass”
I think the main thing I really enjoyed learning from Dr. A was that your perception of life is not with out reprouch. Just because your senses are telling you one thing does not mean it is happening. Your instincts can be badly damaged and trigger happy. “trusting” your instincts can get you in trouble just as easily as they can get you out of trouble.
Blind trust is dangerous so instead focus on what you do know. Find something concrete that ALL your senses can agree on.
I guess I am rambling but over all I am just happy to have the foundation he gave me in the back of my mind. I see what life must be like with out it.
I know it was the right one – it is possible all my sorrow comes in the fact that the choice needed to be made at all.
I can not seem to understand something:
I have completed my Montessori Teaching course and am now moving into the student teacher phase of the credential. I have the required ECE units to now teach in California and I have the required Visa to allow me to get a job.
I have made some really good friends. I have a very sweet loving boyfriend. I am lucky in so many ways.
Yet here I sit alone – trying so hard to do what I am told I am supposed to do. Be OK with people I am dating doing there own thing, going off, making plans that just do not involve me. I KNOW its healthy but I wonder at what point do the things that are important to me become normal and OK?
Will my needs and desires in a relationship ever fall with in what is normal? Will I ever get to the point where I feel confident in who I am enough to be OK with what I want?
I am trying to express how I am feeling in a productive way but what I really am feeling is loneliness. Maybe its that I feel a imbalance in desire. A strong desire to always be near some one who has a more healthy look on how often we should interact. One I do understand but at the same time understanding and feeling the right emotion for it seem to be two different things.
it could all just be circumstances, the anticlimactic finish – Working so hard to complete something and then standing there proud alone. I am really a big attention person. I made a very big deal out of graduating high-school. Maybe its a desire to be recognized and loved.
I am not sure how to sort it out but I do know that I thought I could handle being alone this weekend. I am far to ego centric.
The sad thing is what I really desperatly want is to stop having to change my nature and change who I am. I want to just be me and have some one love me and want to be around me for who I am. I want to not have my flaws pointed out to me even when they are trying to be nice. I do not want to always be fighting against who I am to be who i think I should be.
Sadly who I am is so far broken that it takes so much energy to hold the pieces that if I let go even for a moment – it will all tumble down.
Maybe the only way I can let go safely is to fall apart in the quiet of my home surrounded by evidence of my mess – but in such a way that no one but myself gets hurt. Every one around me goes on, feeling maybe that I am a bit flaky or a bit off but not knowing the truth of how broken I am and how hard I fight to stay in one piece.
Sanctuary is what I want – arms around me that will not judge and will allow me to cry and keep me safe. No person can do that job it has to come from with in me, failing that the closest thing to that I have ever found is the soft muzzle of a horse or the gentle rythem of a dog as there chest moves up and down.
Dear people in my world:
I have always been a person in development I think. Never fully a whole person. I chunk missing that did not get put there at the right time.
I feel like on my journey to make myself a whole person many of you have been there for that I am greatfull.
Recently I started on a journey of education. A degree was the general goal. More specifically a teacher and now even more specificly a Montessori teacher.
It would be foolish of me to deny the involvement each of you had in me getting to this journey. Some of you supported me emotionally when all I wanted to do was lay down and cry. Some of you held me when I was scared others helped me apply, wrote me letters of reference and forwarded my mail for well over a year!
And of course one of you has financially supported me during all of this. Stepping in when you did not have to – providing me with a life I could not have even imagined.
So to the person who gave me the word “montessori” and gently showed me a path – Thank you. To the people who have been there for me through this in one way or another – thank you!
Today 2 people I know got older. One is 25 and if memory serves me correct the other is older then that at least 80 by now 
Any way happy birthday to both of you
I miss you both.
Powered by WordPress