The Voice of Chaos

I stopped watching hockey at one point in life – I still watch it to fit in but over all I simply dislike the game.  I loved it as a kid – I thought that it was amazing that so much talent could localize in a province and I felt pride. I then realized that the teams where not made up of people from my home town ( when I was watching the Kamloops blazers) or my province ( when I was watching The Vancouver Canucks) or even my country ( My not-so-secret-love of the Edmonton Oilers) I realized that hockey was one corporation or “club” pitting its money against another corporation or “club” ( that really is a C and an L but my font makes it look like a d )

The game lost its meaning to me and I lost my love. Players went where the money was, the opportunity or even in some cases the better living conditions ( who would want to live in Edmonton when they could live in California?). I resented the players who left their hometowns for bigger better opportunity in the US.  I felt betrayed when Gretzky was traded, I even still had a bit of love left in me when a crying team captain was traded from Edmonton.

Stick with me on this I will tie it back in I promise.

My hometown was rated the worst place to live in Canada. I say my hometown because Williams Lake is where I was born. It is where I went to school more often then not ( I did move a lot) and while I lived in outlying areas these areas where not incorporated towns they where essentially subdivisions REALLY far away.  But still with in the service area covered by Williams Lake ( Including schools).

I grew up with a distaste for this town. An urge to escape it and all towns like it grew inside of me.

Williams Lake has intelligent, well intended good people living there. They have children born there that could make a difference in the quality of life of those in the town. Much like me though – those children and those people want out. Only a small percentage of the people with the skills and the will to do anything about the social problems facing Williams Lake stay.  A large portion of those who stay – repeat the cycle of violence and crime and lack of community pride that can be seen in that town.In short Williams Lake is in a slow free fall of erosion, suffering from its own brain drain. Lack of opportunity could be used as a factor. Lack of access to education. Accept all of these things exist both opportunity and Education. Williams Lake has a University that has been growing steadily over the past 10 years.  The forestry sector has declined dramatically but the services and health sector has grown, farming is on decline but tourism is on the rise .  High-school students in Williams Lake have access to University classes while still in high-school. With less competition for grants and bursaries (less people)  there is more opportunity for a hard working individual to advance their education.

So then why the brain drain – the the drain of talent and socially responsible individuals who could indeed change the community?

The answer for me is one that I ponder.  I left – as fast as I could.  Had I stayed would I have become part of the solution? I some how doubt it, I think me or my offspring may have actually become part of the problem. I needed to leave – its doubtful I will ever return.

I ask myself though – what if Williams Lake as a town paid for individuals to leave to go to school under a contract to return and work for the town? Towns paying there students to become doctors, nurses, Teachers, Economist etc. Maybe we could take a page from the idea behind native bands educating there younger generation.

Now back to the hockey players – Why would any one live in Edmonton when they could live in California or any other place that is not a frozen wasteland? The only reason I can think of is community pride. Some hockey players try to never leave. Some invest back into there community.

Community pride – I have none when it comes to Williams Lake. Free school may have kept me there long enough to fulfill my obligation. But with out community pride I would have had no desire to really fix the problems. Is this true for others? I don’t know – but I know there is a distinct difference in many peoples mind between those who are deemed “lifers” and those who get out. Almost no one wants to be thought of as a lifer.

Williams Lake – a town that will erode as its best people find no reason to stay. Its clean lakes and vast country side will only cause a handful to return.  I at times will admit to longing for the lazy summer days found exploring the “back 40″ – swimming in the “swimming hole” found in the dairy fields located as an undeveloped farm land on one end of town. A common make out spot and playground for children and teenagers alike.

I will say this – When I lived in Williams lake – it was deamed a city with the highest crime rate per capita – But it was not the world outside of my doors that worried me in Williams Lake. It was the world found behind the doors that the papers are now saying need to be locked. It is likely not the town itself I am trying to escape – but the culture that turns a blind eye to the obvious atrocities occurring with in the homes of those found in that town.

There can be no pride in a community that turns a blind eye.

Sometimes I get very caught up in my own world. When this happens I miss what is happening in the rest of the world. I didn’t know Micheal Jackson had died until days after.  I heard about the earthquake in Haiti only because I heard a tv in a store discussing the aftermath. I was pretty numb to it.

I remember being glued to my tv after the terrorist attacks in New York city. B and D and Q and I all in our apartment in Richmond eating Pizza and watching CNN.

The year that followed, I continued to watch. In fact I never stopped watching. In the hospital day in and day out with my aunt while she battled cancer. I watched the news.  One day the world around me got to be to much. Something broke and I couldn’t take any more. I went an entire year with out picking up a newspaper reading a headline or even watching/listening to the news. It was peaceful. Willful ignorance.  I had thought I would come back after my year hiatus with a fresh new look at the news. The problem is now it just overwhelms me so I tune it out. I liked the peace of not knowing what was going on.

I turn a blind eye to the suffering around me. The collapsing economy of the United States, the struggle Canada faces with its government. A GIANT disaster where over 100,000 people have DIED.

I start to think about it, spend some time learning about it. All I want to do is BE THERE helping. I suddenly have an urge to join the Canadian peace keepers— Something I believed I would do in my life time a long time ago, when I first learned what they were— A need to run off and try and save lives.

I once wanted to save all the puppies and kittens of the world. I realized I could not. If I saved all the puppies and kittens from death – who would feed them. I once wanted to save all the unborn babies that mothers didn’t want. I then realized that there are some conditions to NOT bring a child into the world. I once wanted to save all the horses from the slaughter house. Then I realized that slaughter houses for horses was an entire striving business that fed families and gave us glue and dog food. I once wanted to save all the trees and never cut down a single one. Then I realized it was a growth and harvest cycle, not to mention my family was supported by timber dollars.

I once even tried to save chickens from being slaughtered. Two, a male and a female. The lesson that these chickens were not pets and were food was learned quickly.  A month later the two chickens I saved by chasing into the woods DIED. No reason accept they were purchased as meat chickens they were genetically altered – unable to reproduce and  meant to grow fast and then be eaten. I hope there death was not painful. I know that because of me there death was in vein.

Life continued to try and teach me over and over one simple lesson. You can not save everything and every one. It’s a lesson I sometimes think I want to refuse to learn.

I can not save the lives of the people who are dying right now from the affects an earthquake can have on a location. I can offer support to allow the economy to grow again. I can recognize that  I may not wish to read and be glued to the details of whats happening. I may not wish to see the photos and hear of the death toll daily. It doesn’t mean I do not care. It doesn’t mean I am numb. It means to me that there is one lesson I did learn. I can not help any one until I can help myself.

The time lost to crying over the devastation—yes there are tears if I even start to think about it or bring one image of the devastation to mind— pouring over news articles and trying to come up with ways to help, is wasted when I do it. My time is better spend doing my school work. Educating myself, and finally as I can increasing the amount of money I lend out on Kiva.org. Increasing the amount that I try and help economies regrow after disaster has struck. Even just increasing the amount that I try and contribute to the growth of any economy. Of course if they EVER give me an internship at kiva.org I can also give them my time.

S0 maybe I am not numb—just practical.

at some point we grow up.  Maybe you are 80 years old when you grow up or maybe you are 30. At some point we stop identifying as a child and we grow up. I thought when I got married that was it. I quickly learned that was not the case.

I wonder if the moment we grow up is the moment we realise that life has rules, we are all playing the game of life and it gets a lot easier if we just start following the rules.

My nature to break them, move them, bend them and expect every one to fall in line was a good quality in the environment I grew up in.  It does not apply to a a normal environment ( sub thought define normal). So what did the last year or two of my marriage teach me? It taught me about social contracts and following the rules. It opened my eyes to a lack of respect I have had for these social contracts and a lack of desire to play the game so to speak. I charge forward expecting that making my own rules will get me what I want.

In the end I suspect life will be a bit easier and a bit less chaotic if I just start falling in line. It feels fake and sufficating now but maybe over time it will start to feel normal.

cognitive dissents.