Projection or misdirection – hard to tell.
2010/02/26
2010/02/25
My dreams
Lately my mind has been on J a lot. Not when I am awake but just when I am sleeping. We talk so much in my sleep. I think my subconscious is really trying to work out what went wrong. Its easy to just blame J but at the same time I am looking for signs and lessons. So every night I go to sleep and J and I talk in my sleep. We discuss everything from our lives now to what went wrong to value systems as well as cake ( I do not know why we talk about cake)
It has been over a year since I saw him or spoke with him.
Last night we talked about open source software. He could not see the community the way I did. He saw Linux users as elitist snobs. He put me and my friends down for it. I go back now and I have these conversations with him. – As he always said ” You can not see the world the way it is Krista because you have boobs and people treat you different because of it” These words no longer impact me like they once did. I hear him say them and instead of hurt and confusion I feel sorry for him and a bit angry.
The world is a pretty amazing place and he just could never see it.
I listen in my dreams and I try and understand but I still rarely stand up to him. I just hear the words he has spoken before and I take them in. I take them in and change how I feel about them.
I am not a dumb girl who gets what she wants because she has boobs. I work very hard. School has offered me a level of external validation that I think I needed after so many years of external invalidation.
I like that my instructors have never seen me. It complete disproves any theory J ever had that I only get any where in life because of the way I look.
I hope he stops haunting me at night soon. I some how doubt it will end soon though. I think my subconscious is helping me work through insecurities I allowed myself to have due to his external invalidation.
I do understand I was a poor communicator early on. I have gotten better.
2010/02/18
Dear Evil Overlord
Dear Mr. Overlord,
I am not sure why I have come on your radar but it is clear that I have. IS it because I have doubted your existence for all these years? Is it because I decided that if you do exist you and the judo Christian god are one and the same? Maybe it is because I have simply refused to stop spelling colour with u. If this is how you have chosen to get my attention it has worked.
I feel that your retaliation for my ignoring you, while extremely hard to detect at first is a bit drastic. If I wasn’t such a keen individual I would not have even known it was you. I am certain of my conclusion at this time. You did indeed create an entire University Course meant to destroy my will to live. If this is your idea of flirting I am not impressed.
CMIS 311. Do not deny it. I know it was you. At first the hints where subtle. Spelling errors in the text book that even I could detect. A subject so dry made dryer by the text book photo copy shipped to me void of all colour.
Then came the first assignment. The challenge not in the execution but in sorting through the 150 pages that was chapter one in order to find something to summarize in point form on a web page. At this point I began to suspect it was you all along. My suspicion grew when the fatal words “Aesthetically pleasing 5 marks” danced in front of me.
I took your challenge and after months of procrastination I sat down and I wrote the web page. Not using a WYSWYG, even though you suggested it. I was not going to be fooled into producing garbage html. I even completed the presentation portion of the assignment.
At this time you must be asking – then how did I know it was you?
It was when I was finished and ready to hand in feeling victory – I re read the assignment criteria and in small print at the end … there it was. The third part to this assignment. An essay. You have provided me with 4 topics each more pointless then the one before. This was your mistake. I know it was you.
Mr. Overlord I will complete your university course certain that each assignment will be more of waste of time then the last. You must know this is not over. When I see at the next convention of aspiring rulers of the world. I will not simply turn my back and pretend you do not exist. No. My retribution will be just as harsh as yours.
Be warned.
Sincerely,
Kaosgrl.
2010/02/17
Some people blame there parents for their problems
Sometimes its not clear. It is not clear if the parents just made regular mistakes or really fucked up.
I judge parents harshly, I judge parental styles harshly. I am not a parent.
Here is one thing that I know for sure. My parents are extremely irresponsible. I resent them any time they try and take credit for any success I have in my life. I blame some part of my childhood for any failure.
MM that seems all very normal emo kid stuff.
Having said that and all the other things I have said about them. They did do some good things. They taught me some very important lessons and gave me some very unique experiences as a child. I can cook – I owe that to both my parents. My mother I owe for giving me free range of the kitchen and putting up with my experiments as a kid. My father I owe learning the art of cooking with out measuring. I do not even think he knew how to use a measuring cup. My moms precision and my fathers complete lack of – two very different styles gave me some balance I think.
I owe to them life – they did provide me with the basics until I could handle it one my own. However I manage to.
My dog – my parents never let me loose her. I know this came at great cost to them both emotionally and financially.
All of this is good. Great even. Here is what I hate. I hate that they disappear. It was unsettling when it happened as a kid, it was even scary and frustrating as a young adult. Now its just infuriating.
How hard is it to return a phone call? Ok so I have ran the reasons over in my head.
1) They do not have my number – not the case I leave it on their answering machine almost every day.
2) they are busy —- mm for 3 weeks.
3) My mom is in the hospital — not so I called every hospital in a 200 km radius. Maybe I should have looked further. As it stands she is not in the hospital. I guess my dad could be – however that seems super unlikely and I am shelving that theory for now.
4) They didn’t pay their phone bill and can not get long distance. Ok this is possible .. but a phone card costs $20. they also have cell phones and could text me. They have done it before. Oh yeah and a stamp costs $0.45 and I left them my new address.
So whats left – things they have done before:
1) Went out to do laundry and called 9 hours later from the boarder. They decided to drive until they ran out of money – they came back in 4 weeks.
2) Moved and didn’t bother to tell me – had their phone disconnected. I was living alone in Fairview spending my first Christmas alone and they where no where to be found. ( My sister whom I KNEW was moving and disconnecting her phone was unreachable)
3) Mom went into ICU and was flown to Kelowna — no phone call detective work found her.
4) Moved to their motorhome with no notice and vanished for 7 months into the bush.
5) Dad had a heart attack – no return calls for 2 weeks.
So as you can see – this happens from time to time. its hit and miss – are they being inconsiderate or is something bad happening.
So when I forget to call some one and tell them something I guess I come by it naturally. I am forced to reconcile my feelings regarding their actions. I did not get to pick my parents and as much as I might want to have nothing to do with them. Those fragile moments in life when I need some one to back me up and not require me to prove myself to them. They are there ( If I can find them).
I think I am responding naturally with worry and hurt to this situation. Who knows – maybe I am just dramatic and this is all really normal stuff.
for better or worse I am me – I am a combination of their genes and their neurosis. I have an will continue to add as many influences to my life until their influence is more of a hint instead of the flavor that is me. I will be me with a hint of them. Not them with a hint of me.
I aspire to be a complicated mixed leaf tea with a squeeze of lemon ( they are the squeeze of lemon)
Their influence will never be gone – but maybe with some luck I can keep the good and throw out the bad.
Some of you might be thinking ” But you didnt talk to them for 2 years”
ACTUALLY – I requested that we communicate only via email or letters. I did not actually want to cut contact. I was met with a lot of emotional abuse. I was called names by them and they refused to respond to letters or emails. So yes i did not talk to them for two years – but in the end that was their choice and not mine. It did help though – they know there are certain things I do not wish to talk to them about. I learned how to not ask to many questions about their life and not get to worked up when they are acting in a way I feel is harmful to them. To bad I didn’t learn how to not worry about them when I can not find them.
2010/02/10
Maybe this post will help
I feel like there is a giant wall in my mind. The information is there. I know it is but I can not get at it. Its fuzzy I can see bits and pieces but its blocked. My hands remember typing the commands I am trying to find. I have memories of making this work and it being easy.
I feel defeated – how dare I begin to hope that things could be normal in my life. Punished for simply being happy. I can not afford to be loosing time right now. I can not afford to be zoning out. I woke up this morning and I thought everything was going to be good. It has just been one mind road block after another.
It is almost 2 pm and I have done nothing! absolutely nothing. I can not get my compiler to work. It worked FINE 2 weeks ago and I did nothing to change it. I can not get even the simplest thing edited in vi. I can not even remember how to exit out of insert mode. I can not remeber the name of the help file I used. I can not even seem to come up with how to solve it.
I hear the words of those around me “Sometimes you are so smart and other times you are like a child”
I knew this would happen. Life around boxes and in different places destroys me. I tried so hard to hold it together. I feel like I have lost.
The world of happyness around me is about to crumble down as those around me will surely judge me harshly and believe it is lazyness that causes me to ask the same question more then once.
On the upside I can remember my name, I went climbing last night.
I need a moment of weakness to cry and be held. Now is not the time for weakness though. I know that it means I am not completely connected to avoid the tears and avoid the fear to avoid the consequences of emotion. I have partly dissociated to deal with the things going on around me – that are really normal and every one should be able to cope with but for me they are so much more.
How can I ever expect to be a functioning person in this world with such a great weakness. Its not like I can never ever move some people go YEARS even decades with out moving. I want to be one of those people. Safe and secure so that I never have to feel this again.
My doctor would explain to me that this is all par for the course. Take some time to look after myself. Put everything else aside and focus on reconnecting, focus on allowing myself to feel the emotion and to talk it out. Do something core mindful.
Maybe its not the boxes? Maybe I am blaming the boxes. I mean I have a place to live, all my stuff is there. Its over – unpacking just has to happen. Well not all my stuff – the rest will be picked up today. Maybe I have to say fuck it and throw school work down for now and unpack. Its not like I can think any way.
What if its not that? What if its something else? How do I force myself to snap out of this?What is missing? What is causing it?
I feel some sense of relieve writing this but am still unsure of how to solve this disociating episode.
The words ” Do you think there is a solution?” are running through my mind. YES there has to be. The information is there. The mind is there. The data is still stored. I have made it through this before. I can make it through this again.
The four s’s
Stability
Sobriety
Self Care
Safety
With out all of them – the risk of dissociation increases. take them back and I will get my mind back. This has to be the solution.
2010/02/09
Stubborness
The adventures of refusing to just boot into windows continues. Sticking to this choice is proving to be extremely educational.
My morning adventures have included:
1) Attempting to install WINE using the following information:
- http://www.winehq.org/download/deb — explains how to add the WineHQ Apt to the repository. I have done this.
- http://wiki.winehq.org/HowTo – notes I must uninstall older version first.
- http://www.winehq.org/site/docs/wineusr-guide/installing-wine-source#UNINSTALLING-WINE-SOURCE
I learned I do not know the terminology required to find out WHERE my version of WINE is located so I can uninstall it. I know the version I have Wine 1.0.1. I have a sneaky suspicion that some where out there is a lesson on finding this stuff — I just do not seem to know how to find it. I know that B has shown me something regarding this but for the life of me I can not remember.
2) Attempt to install KVM. Using the following resources I got a bit further:
- https://help.ubuntu.com/community/KVM/Installation
- https://help.ubuntu.com/community/KVM
I know that my cpu supports virtualisation and my system supports 64 bit Kernels. I know that I am running a 32 bit kernel.
This is as far as I have gotten. There seems to be an apt-get install gemu-kvm option out there but none of the how to’s suggest that.
I have asked around but most of the normal suspects for me to ask this to are busy SO…. I am going to just run it and see what happens.
I am doing all of this so that I can install Visual Basic Express edition and complete Unit 1 of CMIS 214. I dropped the WINE attempt when I learned that Visual Basic Express addition does not run on WINE. I will need to revisit installing WINE at a later date.
My posts as of late are boring me.
I was writing my last post — and it was boring me to death.
I recently learned about using composer keys. VERY COOL! I may have already posted about this.
Whats really weighing on my mind – and isn’t that what this blog is for. Expression of what is weighing on my mind.
I am stressed in a big way—suprised?— I didn’t think so.
Recently I over heard some one say “Krista likes to be stressed out.”
I do not. I just always have been. I live for the glorious moments of anti stress. The relaxation that comes from cuddling some one I love. The feeling of some one touching my skin. A hot bath with candles. The pleasure experienced through contact with another.
I live for the relaxation I feel when the sun is on my face and the trees are moving in the wind. The only sounds around me are those of the forest I have found myself in.
I live for the relaxation felt when I am riding a 1500lb animal. The wind in my face, keeping perfect time to the only rhythm I have ever understood.
I live for the relaxation felt after accomplishing something big taxing my body physically and achieving – the sleep that comes.
I am at this point experiencing the highest quality of life I ever have. Why? Because I find relaxation in one form or another. I find personal growth. I feel more trust and safety then I have ever felt before. I feel freedom to be myself.
So then why the stress. The simple fear that its a house of cards – ready to crash at any moment. tottering on the fragile foundation of immigration.
I try not to dwell and I try not to stick my head in the sand. There is a balance out there and I will find it.
GPA
This blog has really become a great deal about school. So lets talk GPA.
My last semester grades are in and my GPA is 3.33. I am happy with the GPA but feel that I can and will do better next semester.
Some people are A students and some people are B students. I like to believe that the fact that my assignments all came back with high marks and my tests came back with lower marks shows a few things.
1) When given a project to work on and a time frame I will produce quality. All assignments aside from English where returned in the 89-100 percentile range.
2) I learn from my assignments. There was a steady increase in my grade not a decrease.
3) When under high levels of stress I still suffer from memory issues. This I think will be my Achilles heal in life. This is reflective of my test scores.
Ok so how did I fair In week 1.
Here is an update on my goals posted last week.
1) I went for a bike ride but not to Golden Gate park- just around the new neighborhood.
2) I did Climb ! AND I climbed a 5.11a OVERHANG. I climbed twice actually.
3) All our stuff is moved into our apartment.
4) CMIS 311 assignment – DNC
5) MSG 305 – Complete lesson 1 – Completed Feb 8 – 2010. I also started on the first assignment. I need to read more chapters to get further then the one question I have completed.
6) Comp 268 and Acct 250 objectives met for last week ( Week 1 of second semester )
Week 2 of semester 2.
This week school goals.
CMIS 311 – Assignment 1.
CMIS 214 – Unit 1
Comp 268 – Unit 2
MGSC 301 – Unit 2
Acct 250 – Unit 2 and Quiz 1
This weeks house goals:
1) Unpack and set up house ( Saturday)
This weeks self care goals:
1) Climb at least once during the week.
2) go for one bike ride.