The Voice of Chaos

Canada student loans has requested that I fill out a form indicating that I have a permenant disability.

I struggle with this. The denial I think that this will be cured. I know cured really means I will get better at dealing with this recognising it and it will lesson the impact it has on my life. One day it will not completely own me.

It will of course always be there. I struggle with the impact that has on how I see myself as a person. How others see me.

“its not like you broke your wrist and it healed”

” K life has been unfair to you – take the leg up if they will give it”

Its one thing to say ” I am crazy” it is another to admit I am disabled.  It’s true and its not like pretending I am not is going to make it go away. I am still me. I still have all my great qualities and awesomeness.

My ride was 23.7 miles. I left my house at 12:30.

I arrived at the Bart train station for the 12:59 train to the airport. I got off the train at the airport at 1:30. By 3:20 I found myself standing in front of the Redwood City movie theater. In town WAY earlier then projected.

The ride was amazing! I really felt great after the first 3 miles and once I hit the ocean the water and salt and the light rain really gave me a pick up.

It was great to feel alive and happy. I love this ocean route. I feel this desire to push up how many rides I do of it. After I got to the end of the ocean route I was tempted to not finish the ride to RWC and instead turn around and head back to the airport. I think some time next week if I can I will do that.

Now to some how focus for the day – push through my school work. Some how keep in mind the main goal in my life – which is this degree. Not my relationship, not climbing the nose and not anything else but this degree.

Yep kicking myself hard for not doing this earlier.

Ok so I want something memorable. Maybe I should MAKE something memorable.  It is March and due to chaos factor being high this month I have not met my March ride objectives. SO I am going to do the SF-Redwood city ride ALONE. I am going to qualify this and say that I do not feel confident enough to do the route OUT of San Fransisco so I am actually going to take a train the airport. and do the ocean lag of the ride. I think its about 20-30 miles in total ( I will let you know when I am done )  I suspect I will get into redwood city close to 5pm at which time I can watch a movie or something maybe grab dinner and train home.

I hope to leave by noon.

I found a way to charge my cell phone battery – using my ereader ( yeah its cool – I know I am awesome) So I will have my cell phone on me. Having done the ride before I remeber the powerbars saved my life – so I am going to pick some up at safeway before I head out. a 5 hour energy will be crucial.

Currently I am a bit anemic so some iron pills have been consumed.And some vitamin I

I am feeling an odd feeling of excitement and fear. excitement as I remember how awesome the ride is. I love it, I love the ocean next to me and the views and the trees and way the path is so amazing. All the things that you see a long the way. The ride itself always reminds me I am alive.

It reminds me of riding horses along the ocean in delta….

Fear that I will pass out and die – what an odd fear I have done this ride its NOT hard just long. The leg I am getting rid of is really scary lots of traffic and some weird parts that I wont remember how to do. but thats why I am taking the train past it.

good luck to me.

To happen today. Anything will do. Some how I think my self centered mind will overshadow it still with the fact that 5 years ago today I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

Funny how I remember NOT wanting to do it just before hand and needing my bridesmaids to actually talk me into it.

Maybe thats normal for brides who knows. Any way Today I am going to be super nice to myself no point in trying to do anything but forget the day is happening.

Funny how I never remebered the day when I was supose to care. I guess my body remebered it before I did. I woke up this morning feeling cranky and like some one hit me with a truck. I still feel like my whole body has been run over. I am aching all over and my throat hurts. I have a head ache and I just want to lay in bed. I felt no desire to be affectionate and wanted to just be left alone – WAY out of character for me.

I would like a mulligan on life please? Is that possible?

Feed the tiger… Today maybe I wont be super women but I can try and do a few things:

1) shower ( yes that would be good )

2) Leave the house – its Thursday I know there is something I can do for one hour today.

3) Dishes. they are super easy to do – I have a dishwasher and it takes a few minutes but it sure helps make the house feel nicer

4) 10 minutes of cleaning up. – It takes 30 days to make a habbit and I have been spending 10 minutes every day cleaning up in one way or another.  only 26 more to go and its a habit

A good friend reminded me of the Life of Pi. Feed the tiger to stay alive.

Its easy for me to fall into a depression. Forget to feed the tiger and slowly die.  Sometimes its to hard for me to even do the simplest things when that happens I try and keep expressing myself try and keep writing try and keep saying the things that are on my mind in hopes that something or some one will come along and pull me out of it. To stop writing for me I think might actually mean I have completely given in. I am not sure though but I don’t dare risk it. I remember when I used to see my doctor every week or every other week. I never missed an appointment. In his office was a BIG list of things to do to help you live, distract or just help you deal. Healthy coping techniques. On that list was grow something.

I started a window sill garden today. I have been working really hard to unpack the boxes and get some semblance of order in the house around me. I cooked dinner last night and today I planted my garden. Its just an indoor green house right now but its a start.I also got a silverware tray tht fits in the drawer. Why is it so important that forks and spoons do not fraternize? I know tension is high between the two and the result could be a spork  but, seriously why does that make me feel better about my life?

I cleaned the fridge, I did laundry and I just keep trying to feed the tiger. take care of my life and hope that in turn my life will take care of me and allow me to live.

I got my most recent accounting assignment back. 78% – a B. I don’t expect I shall get an A in this class. Its a struggle for me but its nice to know that I am still pulling off a B. I have 3 questions left and I will be 2/3 complete in the class. that’s a nice feeling that I went from 0% to 2/3 with a couple of productive days. Maybe I can complete my semester after all.

I forget sometimes that I am actually pretty good at pulling stuff off. I think years of procrastination has taught me to work better under pressure then any other time.

Last night B went over some journal entries from last year. This time last year he was climbing 10c/d and excited about it I was climbing 5.6/5.7. I even remember the climb he was writing about. It felt really good to get some level of validations that I am actually at the same level he was at 1 years ago  (in the gym) I still have trust issues with the gear outside but you know for a girl who couldn’t even get to the top of a wall when she started I feel really great about how far I have come.

Maybe he doesn’t always see it. I will just have to keep understanding the good thing about climbing is you are not in competition with any one but yourself. I have to say I have improved dramatically over the climber I was a year ago. Hell I have even completed a 5.11c – I hung on the rope but I got to the top.

I want to have a loving caring relationship with myself and my partner. How I get that I am not sure. I have a general feeling of not being good enough and often will hear put-downs and hold them close and ignore compliments. I know I allowed myself to be put down too much with out speaking out in a way that I could be heard. I pulled away and I looked for ways to validate myself. I think its really important to feed some ones strengths and support their weaknesses. Not to isolate the weakness and judge them based on it. I know enough about people and relationships to understand that every one has weaknesses and every one has strengths. Lovings some one means accepting both. Loving yourself means not allowing some one the opportunity to continually put you down.

Will I be heard in the future? Will I listen better in the future? Will I love myself in the future? Who knows. I sure hope that at least more often then not I will.

I put some action behind my words. I recieved 2 job offers over night in horse barns in the lower-mainland. No response for any IT positions I applied for.

I took some drastic steps to maybe correct some of my own issues. Things I need to do regardless of what happens next. I pushed forward on an assignment and handed it in.

I placed myself on personal probation with respect to a few of my own endevers in life and got the courage up to at least discuss what was bothering me about the situation.

All in all I think there was some good progress made – for my own personal sanity and maybe for my situation. Things are a lot more hopeful now then they were a few days ago. I still do now know the future and what it will hold. I do know that I know what I want and thats something more then maybe I have had before. I know that getting what I want is going to be hard. I know that I am going to get really overwelmed again.

Who knows but at least I do not feel hopeless – but rather hopeful.

So I am happy to report that my Victoria Secret online shopping experience has been a great success. While I did not change into one of the Victoria secret models when I put the clothes on I DID fit them all and look really good them. A bonus concidering I have been crying for days and am all gross.

So I guess here is the thing. Maybe it doesn’t work out. Maybe I move on. Maybe I realize that there is some one out there that one day I will be ok as I am. Maybe my flaws will not be so hard for them to handle and their flaws will not be so hard for me to handle.

I thought I found that when I started this and I believed it despite a great deal of evidence to the contrary.

Being pathetic and needy and sad is NOT going to fix the situation. I used to just up and move on. Maybe now I will learn to move on in a way that doesn’t involve some one else.

I have time to find a summer job – enroll in university with cheaper tuition for September and keep pushing towards my goals. The one goal I have that doesn’t involve any one but me.

I may be getting older, I have another failed attempt on its way to being behind me BUT I can be happy that I have handled this in a way I have never handled anything. I fought for it.

So now solutions:

I am now looking for work and a place to live in Canada.

Ideally if I could find a barn job that offered accomadations in exchange for morning turn out and stall cleaning – provided they were better then the rat shack – it would be a start.

Alternatively if I could find a place to stay cheep while I looked for a job on the island or vancouver I can at least feel like I am moving forward. Or hope that I am.

I know we are in a recession but some where that has to be employment out there.

I am still going to my interview here tomorrow and hoping that maybe things turn around.

The irony of this is for months I was unsure – doubtful even that it would last. Now that I feel that all the things that expose all the break downs and all the challenges are out in the open – I feel like maybe if we both wanted to if we both sat back and understood the other person we could make it work.

I am told its to late for that.  He is torn I know he is.

he is not an emotionless robot out to destroy me – just some one I lied to who is hurt.
“you are short sighted” are the words he spoke to me when I told him I was unsure.  Is every one who ever feels a deep level of hurt and betrayal short sighted?

I am on the edge. I wonder what pushing people over the edge? Will I see it coming and prevent it? Or will I just fade away lost in my own insanity? Will I die and be reborn?

I know that while I contemplate death as an option – I suspect its an attention thing. I suspect I am reaching out in my mind and desperate for ways that will make him see I am sorry and I am not hiding any more from him. I want to reach into my mind and give it to him. I feel like I already have.

He talked to one of his friends last night – not an objective friend but an east coast “boys boy” You know the type – a more educated Redneck who believes in “Bros before hoes”

This friend never wants to see my face again. His friend who will feed him drink after drink and call him a pussy for not drinking enough, his friend who encourages all his vices, even when he tells them his struggles,  told him he never wanted to see my face again.

No wonder girls get so threatened by this type of guy.  This person doesn’t even know me. He is short sited and has a chip on his shoulder. Entertaining but about as insightful into women as a rock.

So will the man who takes care of his “boys” take care of him? Doubtful. He will offer a constant distraction and a constant temptation.

He shouldn’t forgive me because he needs me though. Then he will resent me. Some people have the capacity to understand some ones motives and understand thier reasons, to look at why something happened.

Do I want his forgiveness because I want to be with him? Or do I want his forgiveness because I am scared of being with out him? Who knows but I know a large dream dies and I know that I die inside knowing that I hurt him. I know that in the end for a brief moment he showed me he could be OK to talk to and OK to be honest with. He then took it all back and decided he could not forgive me.

Maybe he just needs time?

I get scared and I try and protect myself. I forgive the things others do to me even after saying I never will.

When the words ” When you say that I want to hit you” where uttered to me. I contemplated that my time in this situation was for sure over soon. When things were rocky I started to build a back up plan.

I never followed through. I was afraid of being left high and dry and thought a fool. I am a fool this I now know for sure. I wanted to be certain – apologies seemed sincere I wanted to believe this person meant them.

My crime – I lied. I lied with motives to protect myself. I lied about a story I wrote. An erotic story I wrote. I denied its existence and I denied that I shared it with any one. I guess when you live with some one who can view your emails if they so choose – lying about your mistakes means you will get caught.  I lied and all that I am and all that I have been is not enough to merit forgiveness.

I ask myself if it would have mattered – I am beginning to think not. Yes I lied but does the punishment I now face fit the crime.

I am homeless,  who I am is not some one who is good enough to make a mistake – there is no forgiveness for me. I am not sure there ever was. The anger has been building for some time now. Worst of all I lost the this persons love, I have developed relationships with his friends and his family and for the second time in 2 years I am going to have all of that torn from me. Some of you saw this coming – I never listened, I wanted to love and be loved.

It would be easy for me to look back and not take responsibility for this – But I will. I did not tell the truth. I felt the truth was more damaging then the lie. I felt the truth was something that would not be understood and I felt the need to hide it.

I know this person has lied to partners in the past. He claims he can not lie he wears his emotions on his sleeve but I know he has – he has let his addictions create deceit.

This time rather then have some one drag my name through the mud while I remain tight lipped I will tell the truth. I will admit to any one who wants to read this – that YES I did lie. I am not perfect and I made a mistake.

My lie has cost me the dream I was working towards. The reason in the end I through a stable job away. The reason I risked it all. I guess thats gambling though – you risk it and you can lose. I lost.

I have lost to much over the past 2 years and I do not have the energy to pick the pieces up again. I think a person can only take so much loss before it just becomes to much. Why try? Why bother?

I have cried many tears over the past month. I will cry many more.  I have proven that I could get close to what I want and then throw it away in my own imperfections and my own weakness and flaws.

Yep its socked full of drama yep it contains a bit of personal information in the end I am a mess.

What would happen if you took microwave popcorn and stuck it in a pot on the stove. I mean out of the bag obviously!

Well wonder no more- ITS AWESOME.

I am still working on ONE thing. Meaning pick one thing. It was submit an assignment but I have become more specific then that. Complete 1 question.

I now have amazing popcorn to lead the way