I have spent the last few days trying to find ways to help my sister see she is walking into a world of hurt.
She is not listening. I have tried to simply find ways for her to walk into the world of hurt and protect her kids. Its not going to happen.
The person that I do not want to be most in this world is her. We share the same genes we share a similar past. She is a mother and I am not.
My heart breaks as I realise I can not protect the children of the world. I can not even be in there life.
What about my own children? Could I protect them from my past? Would I become blind and irrational just because I had children?
I committed to cleaning the house today and committed to finishing my school assignment. I completed my assignment but have yet to clean the house.
A sign, a reminder that deep inside of me is still a scared child crying out for justice. I am almost 30 years old and I have failed to protect a single child in my life – how could I be so angry at those who did not protect me.
All I keep thinking about is Tylers girlfriend and what if that becomes my sister 
http://www.ted.com/talks/lessig_nyed.html
a Ted talk on copyright!
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Today I made bread – I remebered how much I loved making bread and so I did it.
Its very tasty and I would recommend that every one makes bread now and then. I am going to try and make it more often – given how few ingredients it takes and how much fun it is!
I never even knew I did not have it until I was free. I then realized the implications of being married. My mind has been in limbo my emotions and feelings held in a state of waiting. Now I feel freedom.
I will never fully understand the world this I know for sure. I will never even fully understand myself.
This I do know about myself. I am attractive and have a quality that draws men to me – even if its only for a moment. A quality that I was once to unskilled to handle correctly. A quality I have used to get what I need or want.
I remember a situation very clearly and vividly and I have always felt it was partially my fault. I think on some level I am ready to embark on a journey of obsolving myself from this thing I think I did to me.
Its minor and its small and I have spoke of it before, but I again have watched it in my dreams from a different angels. So subtle is this thing yet I see how it may be affecting me and my struggle to not believe that sexuality is all I have.
I was 12 or maybe 13 years old and seeing a school counselor. I was feeling particularly low on myself and my self image. I told him I was not as pretty as all the other girls – I was flat chested ( yes this concerned me) and most of all I had a crooked smile. I was distraught and crying and he said to me ” can I touch your leg” as he asked he touched my leg in a very very comforting and not at all in appropriate. And said ” Is that ok” I said yes.
And then he took both hands and started rubbing up my leg – I did not know what to do. I did not want to upset the only person who seemed to tell me I was OK as a person. I was NOT ok with him doing what he was doing but I had said YES he could touch my leg. I did not mean like this….
The damage that betrayal did to me will never fully heal but I think being aware that some where inside of me I broke then and I want to glue that piece back together some how.
sigh… my mind is full and my heart is heavy the world is an odd place.
I had a great day today. I am really enjoying my time with Mr. Randoms mom.
Time for a non dramatic self involved post and instead a what am I doing.
I am on an adventure! months ago it was decided I would go to PEI to meet Mr. Randoms mom. … ALONE.
So here I am in her very amazing wonderful home currently up in her office taking a moment to write an email to Mr. Random and look at a few photos of the trip thus far.
It was a long journey and now I am on the east coast and I am seeing so much that I had no idea about. My world is getting bigger.
The day started with me not sleeping for 48 hours due to travel time and other things going on. I landed in Charlettown PEI – exhausted. Some coffee and the feeding of the energy around me brought me alive.
we drove around the island and picked rocks and saw many amazing sites.
I learned that the island is eroding away slowly but surely and have some photos to show it.
I saw some very BIG foxes had a great picnic and am learning so very much about the live and times of Mr. Random.
A power imbalance is damaging and when not kept in check it can be devastating.
I once had a dear friend who I spoke with on a regular basis who tried to teach me that I must demand the same treatment I am giving.
I miss him right now more then words can say. I seek his wisdom and strength when I know that most of the time it really came from me.
Silence is all I have left to give.
Keeping ones own council and composure might be a skill I forgot or never knew.
Silence will be my new strength – my new power will not be in trying to communicate and be understood. Instead it will be in realizing I shall be misunderstood and the best thing to do will be to protect myself with silence.
Recently I came across this n my travels
http://www.antipope.org/charlie/blog-static/2010/04/why-content-is-a-public-good.html
