I feel like there is a giant wall in my mind. The information is there. I know it is but I can not get at it. Its fuzzy I can see bits and pieces but its blocked. My hands remember typing the commands I am trying to find. I have memories of making this work and it being easy.
I feel defeated – how dare I begin to hope that things could be normal in my life. Punished for simply being happy. I can not afford to be loosing time right now. I can not afford to be zoning out. I woke up this morning and I thought everything was going to be good. It has just been one mind road block after another.
It is almost 2 pm and I have done nothing! absolutely nothing. I can not get my compiler to work. It worked FINE 2 weeks ago and I did nothing to change it. I can not get even the simplest thing edited in vi. I can not even remember how to exit out of insert mode. I can not remeber the name of the help file I used. I can not even seem to come up with how to solve it.
I hear the words of those around me “Sometimes you are so smart and other times you are like a child”
I knew this would happen. Life around boxes and in different places destroys me. I tried so hard to hold it together. I feel like I have lost.
The world of happyness around me is about to crumble down as those around me will surely judge me harshly and believe it is lazyness that causes me to ask the same question more then once.
On the upside I can remember my name, I went climbing last night.
I need a moment of weakness to cry and be held. Now is not the time for weakness though. I know that it means I am not completely connected to avoid the tears and avoid the fear to avoid the consequences of emotion. I have partly dissociated to deal with the things going on around me – that are really normal and every one should be able to cope with but for me they are so much more.
How can I ever expect to be a functioning person in this world with such a great weakness. Its not like I can never ever move some people go YEARS even decades with out moving. I want to be one of those people. Safe and secure so that I never have to feel this again.
My doctor would explain to me that this is all par for the course. Take some time to look after myself. Put everything else aside and focus on reconnecting, focus on allowing myself to feel the emotion and to talk it out. Do something core mindful.
Maybe its not the boxes? Maybe I am blaming the boxes. I mean I have a place to live, all my stuff is there. Its over – unpacking just has to happen. Well not all my stuff – the rest will be picked up today. Maybe I have to say fuck it and throw school work down for now and unpack. Its not like I can think any way.
What if its not that? What if its something else? How do I force myself to snap out of this?What is missing? What is causing it?
I feel some sense of relieve writing this but am still unsure of how to solve this disociating episode.
The words ” Do you think there is a solution?” are running through my mind. YES there has to be. The information is there. The mind is there. The data is still stored. I have made it through this before. I can make it through this again.
The four s’s
Stability
Sobriety
Self Care
Safety
With out all of them – the risk of dissociation increases. take them back and I will get my mind back. This has to be the solution.
I think you should take at least 2 days off from schoolwork and unpack.
Your new place won’t feel like home until you unpack.
Even tho’ it feels like it, your entire happiness isn’t crumbling. Just think what has changed since you felt happy?
If it’s just the school issues (I’ve been there) and the state of limbo then that’s dealable (is that a word?). Your immigration issues are probably weighing on you too – but like you said before there’s not too much you can do about that.
What hasn’t changed? You still have Ben, and a roof over you head, you’re making progress on you education, you’re healthy and can climb. Lots of blessings
Unpack, then you mind can clear a bit to figure out the computer issue.
If the solution doesn’t come to you in that time – who can you ask that would know or have suggestions? How about you instructor?
It’s ok to feel scared and weak. Nobody can feel strong all the time.
*Hugs*
Comment by Ali — 2010/02/11 @ 7:50 pm
Thank you Ali. I wish you were here so we could sit down to peach tea
Your comment made me start to cry but in a good way I think. ***thank you *****
Comment by admin — 2010/02/11 @ 8:18 pm