I can not seem to understand something:
I have completed my Montessori Teaching course and am now moving into the student teacher phase of the credential. I have the required ECE units to now teach in California and I have the required Visa to allow me to get a job.
I have made some really good friends. I have a very sweet loving boyfriend. I am lucky in so many ways.
Yet here I sit alone – trying so hard to do what I am told I am supposed to do. Be OK with people I am dating doing there own thing, going off, making plans that just do not involve me. I KNOW its healthy but I wonder at what point do the things that are important to me become normal and OK?
Will my needs and desires in a relationship ever fall with in what is normal? Will I ever get to the point where I feel confident in who I am enough to be OK with what I want?
I am trying to express how I am feeling in a productive way but what I really am feeling is loneliness. Maybe its that I feel a imbalance in desire. A strong desire to always be near some one who has a more healthy look on how often we should interact. One I do understand but at the same time understanding and feeling the right emotion for it seem to be two different things.
it could all just be circumstances, the anticlimactic finish – Working so hard to complete something and then standing there proud alone. I am really a big attention person. I made a very big deal out of graduating high-school. Maybe its a desire to be recognized and loved.
I am not sure how to sort it out but I do know that I thought I could handle being alone this weekend. I am far to ego centric.
The sad thing is what I really desperatly want is to stop having to change my nature and change who I am. I want to just be me and have some one love me and want to be around me for who I am. I want to not have my flaws pointed out to me even when they are trying to be nice. I do not want to always be fighting against who I am to be who i think I should be.
Sadly who I am is so far broken that it takes so much energy to hold the pieces that if I let go even for a moment – it will all tumble down.
Maybe the only way I can let go safely is to fall apart in the quiet of my home surrounded by evidence of my mess – but in such a way that no one but myself gets hurt. Every one around me goes on, feeling maybe that I am a bit flaky or a bit off but not knowing the truth of how broken I am and how hard I fight to stay in one piece.
Sanctuary is what I want – arms around me that will not judge and will allow me to cry and keep me safe. No person can do that job it has to come from with in me, failing that the closest thing to that I have ever found is the soft muzzle of a horse or the gentle rythem of a dog as there chest moves up and down.